Well do I or don’t I?  Believe, that is.  What counts as real belief?  How strong do one’s beliefs need to be in the face of “other-ness” to still be counted as one’s beliefs?

Arg.  I’m having a moody, confusing, pessimistic week, and that includes working out my thoughts of the divine.  I have fleeting moments of ecstasy, of sureness (yes!  surely everything is connected!  I can feel the power and goodness of the Earth!  blah blah blah!), but then they pass and I am overshadowed with doubt.  Of course, this is natural, yes?  One can’t constantly be having moments of revelation.  Then they would cease to be revelatory.

I have a problem meeting people halfway.  I guess I could say I have that same sort of problem with everything.  I don’t trust it if I don’t do it or see it or feel it myself.  But that’s not how belief works, is it?  Belief, by its very definition, is acceptance of a truth without necessarily having any sort of factual, measurable, scientific evidence.  The world shouldn’t have to prove to me daily that things are special and connected and what have you, just like my fiance’ doesn’t have to prove daily that he loves me and isn’t going to go out and court other women.

Of course, the ironic thing is the world does keep showing me things are connected.  That’s what interested me in starting down this path in the first place.  I guess sometimes it’s just easier to see it than others.

And maybe some of it stems from my own feelings of inadequacy.  I’m getting older, and I’m still not that super cool popular beautiful awesome smart hip distinguished girl I wanted to be.  I will probably never be that person, and that’s okay, but it still can be disappointing to know you won’t be who you wanted to be, even if your reality is better for you.  And part of that image, coming from the majority of my jaded generation, is the belief in nothing, the idea that there is no god, when we die we die, there are no ghosts or spirits, and measurable science should act as our guide in all situations.  Not much room for romanticism or belief in that, eh?

Eh.  This, I’m sure, will pass.  Healthy introspection and examination of one’s beliefs isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  I hope, in the future, to have more faith in myself and the world around me.

Happy Sunday y’all.