The longest night of the year has passed, and I was hoping it would take my despondency with it. But, of course, it hasn’t, and I am left to deal with my own feelings of inadequacy and discontent. It’s a scant three days until the beginning of the NEW YEAR (perhaps our last year, if you ascribe to the faux-Mayan prophecy of doom, which is really just a misunderstanding of the way in which ancient Mayans calculated dates) and, as society has dictated we do at this special time, I’ve been trying to examine my feelings, my motivation, the overall state of my life, etc.
2011 has been a year of upheavals. My mother underwent (and still is undergoing) chemotherapy and radiation for breast cancer; a friend decided to violently take his own life; the Friday before Christmas one of my first grade students died; and Monday my mom was involved in a car crash that, which she walked away from unharmed, certainly left all of us a little shaken. I’ve been struggling to remember my blessings (my own good health, people who love me, my job, the fact that my mother is apparently invincible, etc.).
I feel like lately the only things that have been in my head lately are that (a) Life is pointless and we are just waiting around to die, (b) despite that idea I can’t die yet because there are a million things I must do before that can happen, (c) perhaps there is joy and a purpose in this world, but I am simply incapable of recognizing or appreciating that joy and purpose, and (d) I will never be able to deeply relate or care about another person ever, including members of my own family and the person whom I’m supposed to marry.
Maybe I can blame it on the weather. It hasn’t been as cold as it was last year, and lately it’s almost hit 40, but Korea in the winter is disappointing and ugly. At least in the spring and summer there are green things and rice fields; right now it’s all dust and concrete and garbage.
In reality, though, I’m sure this is just cliche’ 20-something ‘Oh, I don’t know, what am I doing?, I’m special and therefore should be doing something amazing, time is literally running out and I will die unrecognized and pointless,’ freaking out. Call it a quarter-life crisis.
Basically I just need to get the fuck over myself. I might take another stab at meditating this afternoon to try and calm down a bit. I feel like spaghetti someone’s put in the blender and turned on without the lid.